After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
