There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
