shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
