I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
