Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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