I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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