How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
