tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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