u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You ruined the universe
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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