Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
