life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
