Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
