It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
