I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize