i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
