Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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