you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
