Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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