Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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