I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
