She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
