she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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