i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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