Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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