i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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