My first STD was from a foam party
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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