im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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