My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
