My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
