That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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