The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
