FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
