so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
