I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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