i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him