I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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