how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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