Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
