Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
