a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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