census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
