had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
