My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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