dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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