just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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