a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
