If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
