i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
