my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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