My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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