just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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