Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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