I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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