my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
