it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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