I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
