I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
