I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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