Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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